


Hellevator

by Stayatiny20



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan Needs A Hug, Leader Angst, bang chan centric, chan angst, depressed, kpop angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27648445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stayatiny20/pseuds/Stayatiny20
Summary: Woojin left and all the members take a huge blow.But Chan takes it worst.He knows he’s passively self destructive, but it takes him weeks to realise that as the leader of stray kids, he has to pick everyone up, but what about him?
Comments: 20
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

Warnings:Mentions of a panic attack and painkillers (in case anyone gets triggered by this).

Angsty I guess? Chan centric.

Italics are lyrics, they do not belong to me, they belong to SKZ and JYP.

I’m really dumb- I accidentally posted my first draft of the story, but nvmd it’s fixed now

***

Woojin leaves, SKZ falls apart.

But Chan takes it worst.

He knows he’s passively self destructive, but it takes him weeks to realise that as the leader of stray kids, he has to pick everyone up, but what about him?

When Woojin left, a part of Chan broke, he took the hit hardest, being so incredibly close to him. The feeling couldn’t be compared to anywhere near what he felt when Minho and Felix were eliminated, when he’d promised not to leave them behind, his heart was breaking. But this- felt like he was choking on plain air, drowning in sorrow, almost dying while living. They’d been given this sense of hope and security, so naturally no one saw it coming and when woojin left, Chan could only blame himself.

For not being a better leader, for not being able to tell Woojin it was gonna be okay, for letting stray kids break apart.

So being the leader, he had to take responsibility for what he believed was his mistake, he was the one who had to pick up the broken pieces of stray kids, of course, they all suffered, losing a brother who had a long way to go with them. The separation became the catalyst for uncertainty, doubt and failure. All they could do was do their best not to let it get to them.

_My life was rock bottom, an edge of a cliff_

  
It was inevitable of course, the way they called for Woojin now and then, ordering his favourite food when getting takeout, an extra plate at the dinner table. When chan counted 8 instead of 9, the words would die on his lips like a taboo secret that they weren’t allowed to talk about.

“Has anyone seen Wooji- “

The way he’d cut himself off and that look that crossed his face, like he despised himself, went unnoticed by all the members. Woojin was a pillar, the most observant, the person with the natural authority. He had the power to control the chaotic energy of the maknae line and the overworking he often witnessed across the whole group and in exchange, Chan looked after him, making sure he’d also eaten, that he took breaks occasionally, they relied on each other most, a mutual understanding that had developed, allowing each other to cross the boundaries the other members weren’t allowed to.

No one else quite understood the weight of being a leader, Woojin had, because he was the oldest and now that responsibility fell on Chan, he couldn’t keep up with everything.

_I hold out my hand But no one is there to grab it_

  
Chan had often considered asking Minho to help with some stuff, since he was the second oldest, but he was never in a great mood. As one of the core dancers of SKZ, everyone knew he had a tendency to overwork himself when he’s frustrated, his moves would become sloppy and uncoordinated and when anyone asked for help, he’d snap if they didn’t get it immediately. Chan sensed this getting more and more frequent after Woojins departure, so he had to order more breaks and put a limit on the time members could use the practice room. He took extra precautions that Minho didn’t have to teach any members the choreo, by learning it as fast as possible, not giving himself any slack at all.

Cruel and fearful days I’m enduring through alone  
After Minho and Hyunjin, Chan would always be the next to learn it, he was always ready to teach it to the others, just in case Minho was in a mood and in that situation Chan found it even more difficult to ask for help from him. Every evening he’d catch Minho in the practice room, and be forced to kick him out for the night, before heading to the studio to check on Changbin and Jisung…

He’d tutor Felix Korean when they both had time, the latter became increasingly frustrated with him, often ending up in him pushing chan away and going away for a break. Jeongin spent evenings observing Minho, so Chan took extra time to make sure he was confident on the dance, trying to reduce the workload for the members. Seungnim was a little less dependent on chan, he and Changbin were more of the type to suffer in silence, they were roommates and they just naturally got along well. Jisung was one of the worst, he would stay in his room whenever they didn’t have a schedule, not even coming out for food, everytime Chan would take something to him or save some, but he witnessed Jisung eating less and less…

Tensions between the members were also high, Changbin and Jisung had a huge argument over a recent track and how they would split Woojins part between the members, afterwards when Chan tried to diffuse the tension he received harsh words that made him regret interfering in the first place.

“CHAN HYUNG I thought I asked you to ask for an extension for the track? Why did JYP call me saying it’s already 3 days overdue?”

“I’m sorry Binnie, I must’ve forgotten to tell him, I’ll talk to Jyp nim, you carry on working”

It wasn’t until the 4th week after Woojin had left that Chan realised he was suffering. Where they were one member down, JYP had cut their budget, but because of preparing for a new comeback, they were short on money. Which meant there were days that breakfast was just a fruit or bread and very little for lunch. Woojin was the best with finance so that also provided a gap within the group, Chan took over shopping and cooking duties as well. He could cook decently, but the issue was, most of the time he wouldn’t cook enough because they were short on ingredients, he’d only find time to shop 2x a week. With Jisung eating less there was a little more food, but in his mind that wasn’t healthy for him, Chan tried to slip him some extra food now and then, to make sure he wouldn’t lose an unhealthy amount of weight, but ultimately he forgot about himself.

He fell into a habit, breakfast, skip lunch and then a little dinner. When he tried on a shirt for practice, and it hung off his frame a little, he finally forced himself to look in the mirror. And all he saw was a mess. His eyes looked hollow with dark circles, hair all over the place and since when had his muscles disappeared? His last 2 ribs were visible and Chan caught himself repeating an action he’d become no stranger to since his trainee years. He ran his fingers across his chest counting 4 ribs in total and his fingers gently hooked towards the bottom of his rib cage, he could feel it in his hands. It used to be an unhealthy obsession, to try and hold his rib cage so he could ensure there was no fat between the layers and now it indicated very clearly that he was losing both muscle and fat.

It wasn’t that Chan didn’t care, he did, he really tried to look better, get more sleep, gain more muscle.

_I’m trying to look for an exit Take myself out from being trapped in the darkness_

  
But all it resulted in was more fatigue and hunger with the current situation, he obviously couldn’t afford to eat anymore, not since the other members needed it, so he tried to hide it.

Slowly, SKZ was healing, getting used to this new family of 8, where Woojin was slowly being forgotten and they began to come together, interact more, but somehow, Chan felt like he was still down a hole. His music wouldn’t work, his dance was getting worse and he felt like he’d fallen down a spiral he couldn’t climb out of. He could only feel himself falling deeper and deeper, the darkness spread over everything and at some point he stopped being in the light. walking in a dark tunnel. The worst part was that he was getting better at putting up this mask, he no longer felt any emotions, just getting by day after day on autopilot. Tired wings of passion. Just emptiness.

The other members were yet to notice anything was wrong with their leader, he was always busy doing leader stuff and when he was at the dorm, he’d be cooking or cleaning or sleeping.

But JYP had noticed his deteriorating state, forcing him to see a therapist, even promising a break if he needed, because they couldn’t lose such a unique idol to the path so many others had strayed...

Timeskip  
Before a performance at an award show.

“Chan hyung, apparently we’re performing Miroh, because they had to change the schedule, could you double check with the managers?” Minho was taking out his ear piece as he glanced at Chan, before Jeongin cut in...

“Wait- they changed the schedule? B-but I -haven’t learnt -miroh as good -as My pace…” He was gasping through the sentence and visibly trembling, Chan predicted a possible panic attack coming on, so he rushed towards Jeongin and sat him down away from the others, just as he started sobbing. He gently drew circles on his hand, trying to calm him down,

“Jeongin listen to me, I need you to breathe-“ the door creaked open and in a very short amount of time he was interrupted,

“INNIE?!” Hyunjin rushed in, towards Chan and a crying Jeongin, immediately assuming the worst, “CHAN WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

And the sobbing got even worse as Chan was pulled out of the way and thrown to the ground, a huge thud resounded but it was barely heard over Jeongin’s cries. Minho pulled Chan away from the ground, beginning to ask whether he was okay, but Chan simply stepped away and headed out of the dressing room. He could hear a high pitched ringing resounding through the room and a sharp pain shooting from his back to his neck. He tried to move his head around but each move sent him into relentless pain. He would just have to endure it and hope for the best, although he was a little astounded at Hyunjin’s reaction he didn’t want to go back even if it was his responsibility, he was sure Hyunjin would probably do better than him anyway.

_I’m running so I can forget_

  
The walk to the crew area was short and he searched for the scheduling manager, who caught sight of him and walked over quickly. After a quick bow Chan began,

“Sorry to bother you, one of my members said there was a schedule change, so I wanted to confirm what song we’d be performing?” The girl looked down at the clipboard,

“You’ll be performing Miroh in 30 minutes Chan-ssi.”

“Ah I see, is there anyway to change the song, because some of the members haven’t prepared for it?”

“I-I can talk to the production team and ask if that’s possible, I’m not sure though, please wait here.”

“Sure, thank you.” Chan did his best to relax his neck and control the pain…

_I’m on a hellevator_

  
Meanwhile at the dressing room

“Jeongin! Jeongin, listen to me, just breathe okay, remember the breathing pattern, breathe in til 4, hold to 7 and exhale. Do it with me. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.”

The sobbing slowly died down, occasionally gasping breaths and murmurs of reassurance from Hyunjin.

Minho had walked out to find Chan, and the rest of the members had finally returned.

They looked at Jeongin, now asleep against Hyunjin in concern, as Jisung began to speak:

“Jinnie, did something happen?” Hyunjin then proceeded to explain,

“I walked in and he was crying for some reason, Chan was sitting in front of him, I think he said something to Innie…” Jisung and Changbin looked furious, but Felix and Seungmin seemed unsure.

Felix spoke up,” I don’t think Chan hyung would’ve told him off or anything, I mean think about the way he would treat Jeongin before, he was always patient enough to go through the dance and stuff.” There was a hum of agreement, but Seungmin spoke.

“A-actually I overheard a conversation, JYP nim was speaking to Chan, I couldnt hear it fully but I remember hearing things like: ‘improve, it’s not your fault, … or else kicked out of the group… consequences to actions, take a break.’ I-I don’t know but Jeongin has been underperforming lately, since he had to catch up with all that school stuff?”

“Was losing Woojin not enough?!” A flinch ran through the room from Changbins words…

“Now Chan wants to tear apart the WHOLE GROUP? HASN’T HE DONE ENOUGH? Getting Woojin kicked out in the first place- I already found it hard to respect Chan as the leader when he misses at least 1 practice a week, but this is TOO MUCH. I’M NOT GONNA STAND FOR IT ANY LONGER.”

Hyunjin’s voice broke out in a whisper, “we need to do something, tell JYP nim. Maybe Chan really is the problem. But what do we even say?”

“We can’t mention this to Innie, it’ll break him, he trusted Chan so much.”

“Guys let’s just step back and think for a moment. We don’t have any facts…” felix couldn’t help but see how grossly unfair this was to chan and he was shocked that the other members could suggest such things.

Suddenly Chan walked in, his face didn’t indicate that he’d heard anything, but he had. He heard everything they said. Maybe it was because it was futile to clear up the misunderstanding or maybe because Chan was hurting too badly, but he couldn’t bring himself to explain.

_I need to set up a trap called failure_

  
So he put on the mask and a smile to hide the pain, “hey guys, so I checked the schedule and I managed to get it changed to My Pace, so that’s what we’re gonna be performing, we’re on in 10…”

The atmosphere wasn’t as awkward as it could’ve been as a crew member walked in asking them to head backstage and Chan quickly did a head count, “has anyone seen Minho?” A chorus of no’s replied and he headed towards Jeongin to wake him, only for Jisung and Hyunjin to block him, “I think you’ve done enough.”

Chan nodded, feeling the pain start to play up again, thankfully he’d also asked for painkillers and he’d downed 5 or 6 of them before the pain had even mildly gotten better. He walked out towards backstage, soon joined by the rest of the members and he could feel a pair of eyes on him, turning he saw Jeongin and gave a small smile, to which the younger returned.

The pain was beginning to return, a dull, throbbing sensation, but he simply endured.

_I’m riding on my pain and my tears_

  
The performance began and the shouts of fans filled the space, but for some reason, Chan wasn’t fully awake. He was on autopilot again, a machine rather than a person. And with the final note of My Pace, Chan felt his body on fire. He rushed towards the dressing room, not greeting the other idols, like the rest of his members did and rushed towards the toilets after grabbing his bag. He narrowly made it before throwing up mainly bile and water whilst his throat burned, the pain was unbearable so he took another 5 painkillers, the pulsing finally getting quieter before he headed back to the dressing room. Inside he could hear the conversation going on.

“He didn’t even greet the sunbaenims, did you see the way he behaved?” A scoff was heard.

Chan braced himself before walking inside with his cheerful mask on.

“Great work everyone, we can go home after the award show and JYP nim allowed us to take a month off.” Everyone looked at him in shock, clearly in disbelief.

“Chan hyung are you sure… We were in the middle of promotions?”

“Haha, yup I know, but he assured me they could be dealt with after the break, so when we go home, enjoy I guess!”

He was met with a shocked silence but he laughed it off and changed into a suit, preparing for the awards ceremony.

Timeskip

It was around 11pm, but Chan couldn’t get to sleep, he was deep in thought when Jeongin had walked into the kitchen,

“Hyung, thank you. And I’m so sorry about Hyunjin hyung, I kind of remember what happened, but not fully… But thank you for apeverything.” He threw his arms around Chan, evidently noticing the lack of muscle and abundance of bone, when he placed his head on Chans chest. He said nothing but squeezed him tight,

“You don’t have to thank me Innie, that’s my job as the leader, to take care of you.”

“But it’s your job to take care of yourself first, hyung.” His voice was barely audible but Chan caught it.

“Aish when did you get so wise Innie? Now go sleep or play video games or something fun!” A deep sigh, but he reluctantly nodded and headed towards his room.

Chan couldn’t help but sigh in relief, the whole encounter felt a little too accusatory, he returned to his room and sat on the bed, turning a small light on, but Changbin and Seungmin groaned in protest. He apologetically whispered “Sorry,sorry!” He looked at the half empty bottle of painkillers contemplating whether to take more or not.

The pain was immense, but it grounded him, made him feel his existence and after a long time, Chan wasn’t falling anymore, he saw grey instead of black.

 _I’m praying to live as I try to endure_  
 _I’m on a hellevator_  
*****

If you guys have any ideas I’d love to hear them cuz I’m kinda out of inspiration at the min!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew it wasn’t logical, STAY loved him, his parents loved him, his members loved him. Didn’t they?
> 
> The doubt only kept growing.

He started an episode of Chan’s room, to explain the impromptu hiatus and keep himself busy.

‘Hello Stays. So you might’ve heard some rumours about our break and I wanted to explain and talk to you guys.

I’ve kinda talked about this before, but I want to stress this because it’s so, SO important. You guys should always take care of yourselves. You are important.

Sometimes life happens and you fall and you feel like you can’t get up again, but don’t forget about everyone who loves you and cares about you. I love you guys, and I care about you all a lot. 

Sometimes people hurt you, or they leave and you feel alone, but remember that you’ll always have me. It’s better to let that person go for your own good, sometimes you’re just better off without them. It’s just better to let go, so you can stop hurting. I-I think Stays know what I mean, but ye-yeah. Just- you’re all so important and I love you guys. Please take care of yourselves.” He started to scan through the comments.

‘ _Channie what’s wrong?’_

_‘What happened I thought we were over you know who leaving?’_

_‘We love you too Chan!’_

_‘Why are you bringing this up again?’_

_‘Did something happen? I thought we weren’t gonna talk about him anymore.’_

_‘That’s so sweet, we really care about you too!’_

_‘Can’t you just stop talking about it?! We know it’s your fault so just stop bringing it up, it makes me so angry.’_

_‘So are you really going on a break?’_

“I-I’m sorry for kinda bringing it up again. But we- all of stray kids- are taking a break. I think we really need some time just to rest and process, and this comes at a weird time, but it’s really important to just stop and relax.”

_‘I hope you’re okay!’_

_‘Take care of yourself and the other members.’_

_‘Did something happen to one of the members? Are they okay?’_

_‘Is Felix ok? I’ve seen so much hate recently, it needs to stop.’_

“Yeah! Everyone’s okay, we’re really looking forward to our next fan meet after the break, it ends in 2 weeks. So we’ll be able to meet all of our lovely stays soon! So- it’s kind of late and I think I’m going to rest now. I love you all, good night!!!”

_‘Bye channie, we love you’_

_‘Take care’_

_‘You seem much thinner Chan.’_

_‘What are you talking about, he still looks pretty chubby, lol’_

_‘Woah stop, Chan is not chubby.’_

_‘Yah stop it. Antis aren’t welcome here.’_

_‘Chan please end the live, you don’t need to see this.’_

“Guys, please don’t fight, I know I’m not the fittest member, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, please look after yourselves and sleep well, bye!”

He immediately ended it, feeling so much worse than before. 

He felt hollow, his mind was surprisingly quiet for once. 

He wondered if this was what it felt like to be dead?

His mind started spiralling and before he knew it,he was on the floor in the bathroom, sobbing with his chest aching. 

He just felt so tired. 

His lack of sleep was catching up to him and the comment he’d read flashed into his mind, making him wonder if he had lost enough weight? It was becoming increasingly easier now to restrain himself from eating. 

Sure, he felt a little hungry, but food didn’t taste as good as being weightless felt. 

When he remembered each day that he was going an empty stomach, he felt a sense of pride for his self control and it only urged him to try harder. At most Chan would eat something for dinner like a granola bar or fruit, but never more than 500 Calories. It became a game to see how long he could go without eating before he collapsed or fainted. Stray kids had gone to see their family, Felix and Jeongin being extremely reluctant to go, but Chan had ushered them out saying they wouldn’t get another break like this anytime soon. 

And now he was living like this, skipping most meals and practicing dances, working on songs for their next comeback. 

He was going to make the most of it,so that when Stray Kids got back, they’d be proud, hopefully less angry, but at this point did it even matter?

He was sure they hated him, Jeongin and Felix not as much as the others, he thought they still cared for him, but that might’ve been wishful thinking. So he decided to do it for the Stays, surely they would love him, and the haters would finally see him as good enough. 

He just wanted to feel loved. 

****

2 days before their break ends, Stray Kids were due return to the dorm.

Hyunjin walked into the dorm surprised to see how clean it was, the lights were on too, he was pretty sure he was meant to be the first one home. The others were still on their way back, but he’d gotten a fairly early flight which landed at 5pm, which is how he now stood in the Stray Kids dorm, looking around expectantly. 

It soon became apparent that no one was home , but he became irked by the thought that the lights had been left on for the whole week that he’d been away, presumably by Chan, since he was the last to leave.

He sat on the couch with a heavy sigh, slowly sinking his head into his hands, remembering everything that had happened in the past few months.

Chan.

What was going to happen with the leader? Except Felix and Jeongin, everyone was intent on talking to JYP, maybe they’d get Chan suspended for a few weeks? Just to show him how Jeongin would’ve felt when he was planning to kick him out and the pain of elimination Minho and Felix had felt. 

They didn’t understand at all, how their leader could act so kind but go behind their backs and plan to get rid of their maknae. Of course they still loved Chan, deep down, but they felt blinded by his almost -betrayal? 

Hyunjin heard the door creak and his head shot up, only to be met with bloodshot eyes of none other than Leader Chan. He looked like death personified, dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he would collapse if someone pushed him even a little. Despite that, Chan gave him enthusiastic sort of smile. 

“Oh, Jinnie, you’re back early! I haven’t cooked anything yet, but if you give me 10 minutes I can make something, I just went shopping.” 

Hyunjin couldn’t do anything but stare in disbelief, had Chan’s eyes always been that empty? And his voice sounded so hollow, if that was even the right word for it? Nothing like when they performed, just empty and emotionless...

He was still staring as Chan smiled again awkwardly ”I guess I’ll get you some ramen?” When he showed no signs of answering Chan just walked towards the kitchen and started to cook. He promised himself he’d talk to all the members when they’d returned. 

\---------------

Sorry this was a bit short, it was a bit of a filler, I think totally this will have 5/6 chapters...

Hope you liked it!!!

~Stayatiny20


	3. Chapter 3

By midday the next day most of the members had returned, Chan had focused on just cooking the food and left it at the table.

“Hyung aren’t you coming to eat?” Jeongin was still unaware of how bad things had gotten between him and the rest of the members, but he hadn’t missed how their leader had been pushing himself to the max. Now, after not seeing him for a while, he noticed how awful Chan was looking.

“I already had some while I cooked Innie, so I’m pretty full, you enjoy it though.” And he escaped before they could say anything else.

Jisung was the first to speak, “I didn’t see any dishes in the sink?” His thoughts lingered between the members but nothing really clicked as they continued eating. Changbin stayed silently but his eyes glanced to where the leader had once stood.

The next day they were back on schedule, a performance at a music show first thing in the morning and Chan was swaying as he walked. His sleep schedule hadn’t got any better and the dark circles had only grown, the makeup noonas had berated him and moaned as they covered them up. “Honestly Chan-ssi it’s like you don’t sleep at all.” And as he sat there getting his makeup done, he finally began to drift off for what felt like seconds, when he was woken up by shouting.

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU FORGOT THE STEP!”

“IF YOU HADN’T BEEN LAZING AROUND THIS WHOLE BREAK YOU MIGHT’VE ACTUALLY IMPROVED.”

“Hyungs! Please stop?!”

“Hyunjin it’s just one move , what’s done is done you can’t change it.”

“RICH COMING FROM YOU MINHO. YOU ACT LIKE YOU CAN SING WELL ENOUGH TO BE TELLING ME TO PRACTICE.” “That was uncalled for.”

Chan leapt up in shock, assessing the room he saw Hyunjin and Felix were the ones yelling, he couldn’t make sense of the situation but he saw Jisung on the floor, hands over his ears with Jeongin soothing him. Changbin wasn’t in the room for some reason and neither was Seungmin, the time showed it’d only been 15 minutes since Chan fell asleep. He stepped towards Jisung first, telling Jeongin to go find Changbin and stay there, giving them a quick pat on the head and stepping towards the members arguing. He could tell Minho was trying to disperse the argument, but he’d taken it too personal and become involved. Just as he went to push Hyunjin, Chan moved into the receiving end of the shove, although it wasn’t particularly hard, with his stability he almost fell to the floor. The world spun for a moment as he tried to pick himself up, struggling but finally stepping in front of the members.

“Enough. Stop fighting. I don’t know what went on here, but there’s no reason to shout. We’re going on stage in 15 minutes so sort this out. Minho what happened?” Hyunjin and Felix looked to the floor gritting their teeth in anger.

“They were practicing and Felix missed a step in the choreo and it made Hyunjin fall. Then they started arguing and Hyunjin said I can’t sing.”

“Felix, apologise.”

“But HYUNG. IT’S NOT MY FAULT.”

“You still made Hyunjin fall so the right thing to do is apologise.” “I won’t until he does. He said I lazed around the whole break.”

“Felix...” he began in a warning tone, but the younger simply stormed off.

“I won’t apologise until he does first Hyung. It’s not fair of me to get hurt because he didn’t practice.” And Hyunjin huffed, walking off as well.

Minho scoffed before he left. “Honestly Chan Hyung, if you hadn’t started this break, we would’ve all done fine. If anything, this is all on you.”

He sunk to the floor. No matter how hard he tried, they didn’t care. His mind hissed at him 'they hate you.’ He wasn’t surprised. He hated himself too. He wanted to give it a chance before he decided to give up on them. Stray kids were 9, but they became 8 and they survived just fine, so surely they’d survive as 7?

His chest ached with longing for someone to help him. He just wanted it to stop. The performance hadn’t gone as smoothly as he hoped. Well, it wasn’t smooth at all. Felix had missed his step again and Hyunjin had almost fallen, luckily Chan pushed him back up at his own expense. He moved quite lethargically, running low on energy and not even the Stays could hype him up. Hearing them cheer just made him feel more out of place, unloved. Like he didn’t belong. And once the performance was over and they were backstage, he allowed himself to collapse on the tiles of the bathroom. Just ready to give up. He didn’t have time to fall apart yet, they had an interview in an hour, he had to sort out tensions between the members. For the group and the Stays.

When he entered their dressing room, he saw a clear divide between the members, Minho, Jisung, Jeongin laying on each other playing on their phones. Changbin and Felix talking on the couch. And Seungmin assessing Hyunjin’s ankle on the other side of the room. “Guys. We have an interview next.”

“Ok Hyung.”

“We need to talk.” He was met with silence. “We need to talk about this. How you guys are acting isn’t right, you need to apologise to each other.”

M: “We have no reason to do that-“

CB: “If anyone should be apologising it’s you Chan.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” He bowed deeply.

CB: “Chan did you think about the group before you started the break, or was it on your own account?! We just started promoting, we were all fine, it’s you who messed up!!!” “I’m sorry, but I did this for all of us, I’ve noticed what’s been happening and everyone was exhausted. We need to work harder, but we couldn’t do that without a proper break.”

Hj: “Listen hyung we’re all fine-“

‘If you’re fine, then why were you working out so excessively hyunjin?

And Changbin you’ve been up til 3 am.

Jisung, barely eating- don’t think I’ve not noticed, GOD YOU WEREN’T EVEN EATING JI-

Felix too, struggling with Korean, you keep doubting yourself but you don’t need to!

Minho, you were so stressed, dancing every night until you collapsed, it’s not good for you.

Seungmin I could see you trying to help the group, but you couldn’t even help yourself, overthinking so much.

And Innie, juggling school and idol activities, your voice...”

HJ: “And that’s another thing CHAN, HOW COULD YOU?!-“

JI: “Hyung I can’t believe you would ever try and get rid of Jeongin, I couldn’t believe it but you’ve said it now.”

IN: “It was true? I- didn’t believe them. I said Chan Hyung would never do that to me, because you’d never, right Hyung? But- you did. You did.” He was blubbering now, Hyunjin trying to comfort him At this point Chan was ready to accept whatever they needed to say to make them feel better, he didn't try and explain anything, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You won’t need to deal with it that much longer-“

A manager walked in, “Are you guys not ready yet?! We have to go, they pushed the interview back and it’s in 10 minutes, please hurry up!”

And with that the members walked out. Leaving Chan behind, shaking, his vision going blurry.

The manager walked back in and hurried him up. “Leader-ssi please hurry.”

Chan was hoping the interview would be okay.

They could act right? The members wouldn’t be obvious about it, to be fair it wouldn’t even affect him after the next 48 hours.

Then the interviewer asked the strangest question. “Stray kids members, do you wish you didn’t have a leader? I know Bang chan can be quite bossy at times, how do you guys feel about him?” And she laughed, they all laughed, albeit uncomfortably Chan laughed as well.

“I think Chan Hyung can be a bit hypocritical at times, not taking care of himself but telling us we need to take care of ourselves.”

“Honestly he’s the worst, always waking us up early for schedule!”

“Aish, he’s not completely useless, if we want coffee or something he’ll get it for us.”

“Of course his producing skills won’t ever match up to mine but- he can try.”

“I think it’d be much better if we didn’t have a leader and worked as a group instead.”

They all laughed as they spoke, it didn’t reach their eyes and no one could see Chan recoil, trying to prevent glassy tears from falling. The thoughts wouldn’t get out his mind, they’d be better if they don’t have a leader.

Useless.

Can’t produce.

Why was he even in the group?

They didn’t need him. Heck they didn’t even want him.

So he decided once and for all to give them what they wanted.

He’d leave.

\------------------------------

Nooooo I'm so sorry, it hurt me to write this, but there's only 1 more chapter of angst and I've almost finished writing it. Then a whole load of fluff because Channie deserves it...

On the bright side, thank you for all the encouraging comments and kudos, I'm glad you guys are enjoying this!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Chan POV 

He wanted to see them one last time before he made the decision, he’d already begun making plans for Stray Kids, he was planning everything. After everything that had occurred, Chan only wanted the best for his members.

That morning he was being surprisingly clingy with them, he didn’t want them to blame themselves or wonder why they couldn’t stop him, although it was wishful thinking.

“Good Morning Sungie.” Jisung only have him a strange look before sitting down to eat.

_One_.

He went upstairs to wake the others up.

“Hyunjin, Jeongin, you need to wake up, come and eat breakfast. I’m heading out in a minute as I have a meeting.”

“Ughhh. Bug off Hyung, just leave us alone.”

“Please Hyung I don’t feel like eating.” Jeongin’s voice cracked and Chan could tell the younger had been crying last night, so he left the two undisturbed and it was barely audible but they heard what he said.

“Bye guys, I love you both.”

_Two_.

 _Three_.

He caught Minho coming out of the bathroom.

“I made your favourite if you want to come and eat?”

But he just scoffed.

“Minho? I have a meeting now, I just wanted to say bye and -I love you.”

Lee Know looked confused, but he acknowledged Chan with a nod and walked away.

_Four_.

Changbin was asleep in the same place Chan had left him last night, with a blanket over him and headphones beside him. Gently shaking him, he crouched and whispered,

“Binnie, wake up, come and have breakfast.”

“Mkay.”

“And I just wanted to say bye, because I’m leaving for a meeting-”

At this Changbin’s head shot up, ‘you’re leaving, now?!”

“Ummm yeah, why?”

“Oh nothing, I’ll just go get ready.”

“Love you Changbin.”

But he was gone.

_Five_.

Chan managed to catch Seungmin as he was heading to shower.

“I’m leaving soon, I love you.”

“Chan? You’re being weird...”

_Six_.

Chan went to his room, finding Felix on the floor, struggling to lace his shoes up. He sighed, gently moving his fingers out the way ignoring the protests, and created double knots. “Thanks Hyung.”

They exchanged small smiles and he said, “I’m leaving soon Lix, just came to say bye and tell you breakfast’s ready.”

“Okay thanks Channie.”

“love you Lixie.”

 _Seven_.

End POV 

“Guys I talked to JYP, he needs all our opinions before he says anything, so he invited us to a meeting this evening, apparently he’s going to talk to Chan Hyung first.” Changbin looked confident, but inside he was doubting if it was truly right to do this to the leader...

JYP had called SKZ rather than meeting them at the company, the set up was similar to a hidden camera and they looked at the blank monitor in confusion.

The screen suddenly flashed on showing JYP standing there, he addressed them:

‘I understand you want your leader gone, but wait before you make your final choice.’

Someone knocked on the door and he walked over welcoming them in and as he came into view they realised it was Chan.

“Chan, I’m really sorry. I know how hard you’ve worked for this, how long you’ve waited for your group to come together, so I’m sorry to have to take it away.”

“What do you mean JYP nim?” His eyes flicking from their boss to the floor rapidly.

“Stray Kids. I’m not disbanding you and I know how hard it was for you to lose a member, but I’m afraid you’ll have to experience it again.” Chan looked up in shock. I 

“No. No we’re NOT losing anyone else. I refuse to lose any of the members.” JYP’s eyes flicked to the camera for a split second.

“It’s non negotiable Chan, I’m sorry. You have to choose which one of the members should leave.”

“Why?! Why now? We’re doing fine, you told me so yoursel-“ 

JYP stood up immediately, slamming his hands on the table, and SKZ flinched in fear at the action. His voice rose to a shout as Jeongin trembled.

“I AM THE OWNER OF THIS COMPANY CHAN. IF I WANT SOMETHING TO HAPPEN, IT HAPPENS. YOU DO NOT QUESTION ME. Now. This is the burden of a leader. Which member should-“

“Me.”

He looked up and skz could see the tears running down his face, he was shaking and they wanted nothing more than to run inside and comfort their leader, what had they done?

“Why?”

“Because it’s my responsibility- they have a long path ahead of them, sooner or later this was always going to happen-“ he was speaking through choked sobs, “it’s fine, it’s fine, as long as-as long as they’re happy. They hate me JYP-nim, they HATE me. Stays, the members. They love to hate me. 

If I leave they can be happier and they can make it to the top, I know they can. I won’t bring them down anymore.” 

Stray Kids could feel their hearts breaking, questioning what they’d done.

How could they do that to their leader, their best friend? He was fighting for them but among themselves they were fighting against him.

JYP patted him on the shoulder softly, 

“I’m sorry Chan, please get ready to move your things out of the dorm tonight. When you leave Stray Kids, I’d like you to remain in the company, as a producer?”

“Thank you, but I’m done with this, I’d like to leave please.”

“Ok, that’s your choice, remember anytime you want to, we’ll welcome you back.”

He nodded, the tears having slowed and slumped in the chair as JYP walked out. 

The members saw him at last, how broken he looked, how skinny he’d gotten and how empty he had become. They could finally see his true self.

Meanwhile the only thing running through Chan’s mind was the words ‘leave’. It kept repeating like a broken record.

He wanted to leave. He wanted to be free of all the pain, he couldn’t handle it anymore, feeling so alone. 

Stray Kids saw Chan getting out his phone as he stood up, they could just about hear the audio as he walked towards the window. 

“Eomma, I know you’re probably busy right now. I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry I failed to make you proud, I couldn’t achieve anything but mess up an amazing group. I don’t know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone, no one- cares.” His voice cracked as his tears began flowing again. It took a minute for him to compose himself.

“S-so I’m leaving. I’m sorry for being selfish. I don’t belong here and I don’t think I can take it much longer. I love you all, please take care of yourselves. Goodbye.” 

Stray kids were very confused at this, he was leaving the group, not his family, why was he saying goodbye?

They saw him getting something out of his bag. It took a moment to realise, but they looked like letters.

Even after he was gone, they sat still, silently. Processing what had just happened. 

“Hyung-Minho Hyung,” Changbin tapped his shoulder whilst he was still deep in thought, “you don’t think he’s going to try something?” His voice became a whisper as everyone froze.

Felix dropped the phone in his hand and simultaneously began running towards the door.

“Innie, Seungmin, you stay in case Chan comes back. The rest of you come with me, hurry up!”

  
  
\----------------  
  


I've almost finished writing the next part but I need to tidy up some parts... Hopefully that'll be up within the next week, hope you liked this chapter, I haven't proofread, sorry... XD 


	5. Chapter 5

**TW: Suicide attempt/suicidal thoughts.**

Chan POV 

He looked down by the bridge, murky and shadowy water. His reflection stared back at him and he didn’t like the way it was mocking him. Saying he wouldn’t be enough, that he was a failure, that he should just leave everyone in peace. It glared at him in disappointment.

At least the water would be warm, right? It wouldn’t be cold like the members, he wouldn’t feel lost in it like he did among them. He would be welcomed by the waves. His thoughts silenced and all he could do was smile, finally it would end. His thoughts ran wild in his mind.

He whispered ‘goodbye. I love you’ to no one particular and stepped closer to the edge.

“CHAN!!!”

He flicked his head back in surprise, losing balance, foot slipping. Gravity began pulling him from the ledge, but he didn’t fall far enough before a hand grabbed him.

“Chan, I need you to give me your other hand, I can’t hold on.” Hyunjin looked almost desperate.

“No, please let go.’

“Hyung, you’re not doing this, we’re not letting you so give me your other hand.”

Minho leant over this time, holding his hand out, behind him Felix was holding on in case he fell. 

Maybe Chan didn’t really want to die? He couldn’t explain the reason, but he reached his hand out in hope, praying that they’d pull him out. Out of his reality, out of the cold darkness he had succumbed to. He just wanted to feel okay. Feel like he belonged, feel like he wasn’t burdening the world whenever he said something.

And they took it, pulling him up, as he collapsed on the floor. Gently engulfed in the warmth of his members, who hugged him tightly as he sobbed in their arms.

“Shhh, you’re okay Chan, we’ve got you...”

\--------------

So it's pretty short but I feel like it's fine to fit in, I think the next few are gonna be wordy and probably longer...

I'll take any advice/criticism/thoughts, so let me know what you think!!!


	6. Chapter 6

When his sobs had gradually faded, he looked up at the people surrounding him. Their eyes were bloodshot from crying too, but he couldn’t understand why?

“Why did you stop me?” He grimaced at how his voice cracked. 

He was met with 5 astonished faces, ‘why did we stop you?! What do you mean ‘why did you stop me’? Were you trying to get yourself killed-“

“Yeah. You hate me anyway. So why did you stop me?”

“Did you think about your family Hyung?! You were ready to just abandon them like that? How would your parents have felt? They didn’t raise you just for you to die Hyung!”

“They’d get over it. Eventually. It’s not like I was ever there-“

“What is going on inside your head Chan?!”

And he stopped for a moment, processing. In his mind all he could see was Stray Kids as 7 standing on stage, performing. The movements, the voices, everything was so vivid, the urge to disappear came back full force and his eyes flicked to the ledge for a split second. 

But Felix caught on and stepped towards him, wrapping him in a warm hug, “don’t Chan.” 

Jeongin and Seungmin were running towards them, and crashed into chan.

‘Why can’t you just let me go?” He struggled out of their grip, looking at them almost accusingly.

Hyunjin opened his mouth to speak, but Chan cut him off.

“I know how much you hate me, I know I’ve messed up. I don’t need to be here- without a purpose really. You don’t need me, so please let me go.”

“Why did you take my hand Chan?”

“I-I don’t know.” He shivered a little.

“Exactly. You don’t really want to die, you just want the pain to stop.”

“Hyung, we don’t know what kind of pain you’ve been in and I’m sorry that no one has bothered to ask. In my mind I felt so betrayed that you would suggest you wanted me out the group.”

“I know. I’ve heard a lot. You guys just sort of assumed stuff about what I was saying, b-but the truth is,” he glanced back at the bridge, “I’m just so tired of everything. I heard a lot of things you guys said about me, I just never bothered to correct it because I didn’t think it would make any difference.”

Seungmin reached for chan, softly patting his back, only Minho caught the surprised look on his face when he felt Chan’s back.  
“How long has this been going Chan?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Everything.”

He sighed and stood up, but something was wrong, his vision sparkled with colour before fading to black...

—-  
This has been in my drafts for ages, I forgot I’d written it and sorry it’s so short! Writing the next chapter hopefully it’ll be up sometime this month..... Let me know what you thought!!!


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